LAST CALL
ROAD-DOG TRAVEL TIPS BY JOHN BOHLINGER
I’m writing this from yet anoth- er characterless hotel room
where I will again lay my weary
head, keep my clothes in a bag,
and plant my guitar on the extra
bed for the next month. I spend
much of my work time traveling
and have come up with routines
and rituals that help me make
it through the journey relatively
unscathed. Although it’s said the
worse vice is advice, here I go
with my road-dog travel tips.
1. Hotels are, by and large,
disgusting.
You don’t have to be a forensic scientist armed with a black light to
know that most hotel rooms are
basically one big petri dish, teeming with somebody else’s funk.
High volume, quick turnaround,
and an overworked, underpaid
and disgruntled staff makes for
some nasty sleeping quarters.
When first entering your rented
digs, put on some rubber gloves
if you have them, and throw that
DNA-ridden bed comforter into
the most remote corner of the
room. Don’t touch it again. If it’s
warm enough, do the same with
those seldom-washed blankets and
go sheets-only during your stay.
Speaking of sheets—though
this may sound like a Howard
Hughes level of mysophobia—
take a quick look for bedbugs.
They’re oval in shape, brown-
ish/reddish in color, and tend to
leave tiny black spots (yes, that’s
excrement) on linens and fur-
niture. (Just typing this makes
me a little queasy and itchy all
at once.) Like Aerosmith after
rehab, bedbugs have enjoyed
a big comeback in the last few
years, so it’s not a bad idea to
pull back the sheets and see
what you find. Though I’ve
never actually found bedbugs,
I’ve had a few nauseating sur-
prises waiting for me between
the top and bottom sheets—
including many curly hairs, a
soiled condom, a Jugs magazine,
and an empty bottle of Lewis &
Clark vodka.
it off your bag handle, open it
up and start dabbing that sticky
glue side to the dog hair on your
stage clothes.
some exercise, even if it’s just a
few jumping jacks in your filthy
hotel room to keep things movin’.
3. Walk your guitar on the plane.
Although baggage tags are handy,
you don’t want them on your
guitar case. Carry your guitar
on and avoid having it get lost,
broken or stolen before your gig.
Airline employees will tell you it
5. When in Rome, enjoy and
save your dough-re-mi.
If you tour out of the country
at all, consider buying a magic-
Jack—a device that turns your
computer into a free international
calling station. They cost around
$40, with a $20 annual renewal
Like Aerosmith after rehab, bedbugs have
enjoyed a big comeback in the last few years,
so it’s not a bad idea to pull back the sheets
and see what you find.
2. Pack light.
A wise man said that those
things we cannot do without we
do not possess—but rather they
possess us. Traveling is a good
opportunity to shake off the
stuff that quite literally drags us
down. I can go for weeks with
one pair of jeans, one dress shirt,
four t-shirts, shorts for working
out, and ample socks and underwear. I pack almost nothing in
the toiletry department—relying
instead on free hotel amenities
for razors, toothbrushes, toothpaste, shampoo, etc.
I use that ubiquitous free skin
lotion in hotels as a combination
hair gel/shaving cream/moistur-
izer. I also use airline baggage
tags as a lint remover—just pull
won’t fit in the overhead, but it
usually will. When they give you
the gate-check tag—take it pas-
sively, thank them cordially, then
covertly rip it off the guitar and
hide it in your pocket as you walk
down the ramp. Cram that guitar
into the first semi-open overhead
you find, and be a nuisance if you
must by moving other people’s
bags around.
4. Be good to your body.
Life on the road can turn the
most regular person into a pro-
ducer of hard pellets. To avoid
crippling constipation, pack some
Psyllium or Metamucil to ensure
you get your roughage, and drink
lots of water as flights desiccate
your body tissues. And try to get
fee. You could spend more than
that on one hotel-room call from
London to Hoboken.
JOHN BOHLINGER is
a Nashville-based guitar-
ist who works primarily in
TV and has recorded and
toured with over 50 major-
label artists. His songs and
playing can be heard in
major motion pictures, on major-label releases,
and in literally hundreds of television
drops. Visit him at youtube.com/user/john-
bohlinger or facebook.com/johnbohlinger.
192 PREMIER GUITAR MAY 2011
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